Hello.
It's been a long time since we last talked. And there's so much to talk about. I have moved up one step. These steps count, I suppose. It doesn't feel that way right now, but I hope in the long run it will matter. The sacrifices, the oversights - I hope they make a positive difference. Maybe nothing will culminate out of all this but in the least, I hope, it doesn't breed guilt in an already weak heart.
The song on the background is always depressing. Maybe a character trait? Ha!
There are quite a few things on my mind and a couple of trivial unanswered questions. Let's start with the questions and then let me try to reason my way out of these troubles troubling my already troubled heart.
This requires some premise. Lemme start then: We often wander off to the terrace late at night when the warmth of the bedroom is too suffocating. We gaze upon the stars and this act brings forth for most of us the same feeling of loneliness and awe - quite a disturbingly bizarre combination. Loneliness in that we're brought face-to-face with the fact that we are pathetically alone in the grand scheme of things. A speck suspended in sunbeam - and we're just a miniscule inhabitant of this speck. Depressing. And then there is awe - dazzling lights on the horizon and above it as well as below. We witness the grand show brought forth not just by the rehearsal of billions of years of the universe above the horizon whereas below - of our making. Awe.
And, in those feelings, lurking just out of sight is our longing to become that moment - frozen in time at that moment and whoever our hearts reminisce at that instance. We do not wish to stay in that moment - it is too painful. We wish to become that moment itself - something non-living and yet more alive than anything we've ever seen. It is depressing.
And, yet, what if the stars don't twinkle? What if the sky is overcast by clouds and we cannot see anything in the eeriness of the dark? What then? I think we're lost in more than one ways - and the stars show us the way to where we are headed, not necessarily where we want to go. And, in their absence we lose the sight of that way.
There are clouds in the sky tonight. I cannot see my Betelgeuse. Maybe tomorrow?
There are people we forsake for the sake of our 'self'. If the times had been different, maybe we wouldn't have to do that. We make mistakes because we fixate on the now. Or, maybe that's not a mistake at all? I do not know.
Another discovery was that 'Maybe your red is not my red' is not a thought unique to me. There are people who have thought this exact thought. The human culture is more vast than we're led to believe. When there was no internet, no way to communicate with people on that side of this paradise - I was still bound with people who apparently were just like me - tied together with this 'human culture'. And, to make the matters worse, those who've doubted their 'Red' - have done so earlier than me. It's not bad per se but it definitely hurts my ego! Ha! I am happy nonetheless. My eyesight may remain as it was but my vision definitely has improved because of this discovery.
With heavy hearts, I wish people well - People whom I think I have done wrong by not being honest. I can but I will not. Some secrets are not secrets. Rather, they are silent messages we share with our eyes and our words and with that we share what we feel and what we aren't allowed to.
To those I have lost - Cheers! I doubt we'll have another shot at this but whatever there was (mostly undiscovered - good or bad) was good enough for this lifetime.
#Farewell
