What when the stars don't twinkle?

 Hello. 

It's been a long time since we last talked. And there's so much to talk about. I have moved up one step. These steps count, I suppose. It doesn't feel that way right now, but I hope in the long run it will matter. The sacrifices, the oversights - I hope they make a positive difference. Maybe nothing will culminate out of all this but in the least, I hope, it doesn't breed guilt in an already weak heart. 

The song on the background is always depressing. Maybe a character trait? Ha!

There are quite a few things on my mind and a couple of trivial unanswered questions. Let's start with the questions and then let me try to reason my way out of these troubles troubling my already troubled heart. 

This requires some premise. Lemme start then: We often wander off to the terrace late at night when the warmth of the bedroom is too suffocating. We gaze upon the stars and this act brings forth for most of us the same feeling of loneliness and awe - quite a disturbingly bizarre combination. Loneliness in that we're brought face-to-face with the fact that we are pathetically alone in the grand scheme of things. A speck suspended in sunbeam - and we're just a miniscule inhabitant of this speck. Depressing. And then there is awe - dazzling lights on the horizon and above it as well as below. We witness the grand show brought forth not just by the rehearsal of billions of years of the universe above the horizon whereas below - of our making. Awe. 

And, in those feelings, lurking just out of sight is our longing to become that moment - frozen in time at that moment and whoever our hearts reminisce at that instance. We do not wish to stay in that moment - it is too painful. We wish to become that moment itself - something non-living and yet more alive than anything we've ever seen. It is depressing. 

And, yet, what if the stars don't twinkle? What if the sky is overcast by clouds and we cannot see anything in the eeriness of the dark? What then? I think we're lost in more than one ways - and the stars show us the way to where we are headed, not necessarily where we want to go. And, in their absence we lose the sight of that way. 

There are clouds in the sky tonight. I cannot see my Betelgeuse. Maybe tomorrow? 

There are people we forsake for the sake of our 'self'. If the times had been different, maybe we wouldn't have to do that. We make mistakes because we fixate on the now. Or, maybe that's not a mistake at all? I do not know.

Another discovery was that 'Maybe your red is not my red' is not a thought unique to me. There are people who have thought this exact thought. The human culture is more vast than we're led to believe. When there was no internet, no way to communicate with people on that side of this paradise - I was still bound with people who apparently were just like me - tied together with this 'human culture'. And, to make the matters worse, those who've doubted their 'Red' - have done so earlier than me. It's not bad per se but it definitely hurts my ego! Ha! I am happy nonetheless. My eyesight may remain as it was but my vision definitely has improved because of this discovery. 

With heavy hearts, I wish people well - People whom I think I have done wrong by not being honest. I can but I will not. Some secrets are not secrets. Rather, they are silent messages we share with our eyes and our words and with that we share what we feel and what we aren't allowed to.

To those I have lost - Cheers! I doubt we'll have another shot at this but whatever there was (mostly undiscovered - good or bad) was good enough for this lifetime. 

#Farewell

Gray

Blooming, roar - the heavenly theft,
Lightnings - thunders, right and left
The flight cancelled as the birds hide
One law of nature all can, but , abide.
And, a puny creature, underneath I stand
The heavenly uproar, an evening so grand

So many terraces - yet, I wonder how
that I, alone, am in one right now?
Could it be that rest all have been out-of-touch?
And, careless to admire the serenade - glamorous as such?

(Greatness is a majority opinion. So far, the majority always has been wrong - the concept has)

Some Home

So timid and show vivid
Organs, rhythm, the shade of steel
Glitter the rays, that strike upon
And sorrow, the heart, joy it fills

So soft the thicker tuft
Radiate, reflect the adored pride
Simple, mediocre, sophisticated
Confetti, the better bride

Alas! the groom isn't so
Bride, the rest, the self abhor
Filled with agony he struggles on for miles,
As the glamor herself - simply smiles.

So many things are happening here,
So many hearts are being broken,
It's all too obvious - never so fair
But, justice here is mistaken.

And, so, I leave this forsaken land,
At the gates, with utter awe I stand,
And wave it all bye with my dirty hand
In search for some home, forever grand

Sweet Retreat

Unrequited - most of it.
The glitter of diamonds. A smile of persuasion and the rhythm of serenade. Happy valentine's day! Perhaps, the flow was suffocating and perhaps, the moment was humorous but the intent of un-harm was uncanny. A heart that contained a heart - so willing, so appreciating, so bizarre. The recipient was more than what words can confide, more than what expressions could confine, more than what the heart could convey. The eeriness was effable, the efface desirable but the perseverance prevalent and yet the divine refusal. The greater on denial and the lesser surprised. What was it that the sole wanted? Why was the cipher misunderstood? Ah well... the deed was done and the message demodulated and delivered. And, that was all that was required, eh? Crippling psychology. Besotted soul.

But, then again, why bother the heart that's bound to bear more than what the sole can share? Let 'it' be. Let it be just the way it wants to be. Protect 'self'. Save the greater the embarrassment - the insult the lesser can cause. Maybe it's time for the sole to seek the soul it hasn't yet sought than to seek the soul that doesn't see to seek the sole on question. Maybe it's time for the misery to end.

Quivering defeat.
Sweet retreat.

Perfect Romance

camelot, campanile
camisole, cantabile
cantharus, canthus
canyon, capias

(imagine how the situation is)

Let Her Be

Let her be, let her rot in vanity,
In 'Better than her is none', and such stupidity.

Feelings

Feelings
Feelings I have for you
So as to say
Weird, I suppose they are
For they mostly end on dismay

Feelings of dreams, bliss
And of that sort
If only I could explain them
To your un-loving heart

Glances you give me
Time and again
Cause hopes to grow in me
And feelings, I realize, are in vain

Because I know the looks
Looks that you give me then and now
Aren't really meant for me
Even though they touch me somehow

But, know this
These feelings don't die, the grow
Even with the contemptuous face I make
I will always love you
And will keep doing so even after the last breath I take.

Random

Yesterday night I went to bed,
when the moon was directly over-head
and as I laid my head across the pillow,
"I wish you loved me too", was all that it said.




Mirage, perfection, a hard to get gold
soft and caring and yet so bold
your eyes are not your all, they're just the additionals
for you are what makes you most, if anyone's ever told



These are just 3 fingers trying to write
at least a bit of you, with all their might
but it seems they're not sufficient though
so, I am not trying this anymore, good night.



I'd be a fool if I thought I know her too well
whether she'll loose every hope of life, only time will tell
and we'll see if she clings on to the life with only a hope
or if she gives it up and hugs on a rope.



I want to erase you, I don't want you to be with me
for falling off, I believe, is the greatest sorrow one can ever see
I don't want the satire pierce me all the way through
But, my stupid think box doesn't ever stop dreaming about you.
However, I will try this with all my heart
even though I don't know if I can or not
Nevertheless, sorrow of loosing you is worst than what I want
and grieving over all that again, that I seriously can't
forgive me for being such a nuisance
farewell darling, good-riddance!

Won't You?

Tease me, won't you? Tease me until I'm dead,
ignore me, laugh at every words I say
say what you feel like, I really won't mind
But, you've got to promise me you'll never leave my side.

Make a joke of me, won't you? I will laugh together
I'll do whatever as long as you promise to smile forever
mock me, won't you? I won't get mad at you
I promise I won't. As long as you want, you can do it too.

for when you are, nobody else is visible to me
and the reasons don't matter, you is all I want you to be
and the sparkle in your eyes is where they are to sit
and if not, the flame in my heart will vanish along with it.

so, be friends with me, won't you? I will always be there
with you, in your smile or tears or even disgust or fear
and I will not bring the world at your feet
for, parallel beauties are impossible to meet
and you are just the one, nobody else was, nobody else is
so, be my darling won't you? I beg you, please.

Try Me

You gave me a rest, I couldn't see though
my naive mind always wanted to be more
“a bird flies in the sky, the wind gives it balance”
I became the bird, you just watched in silence
but maybe it wasn't so. Maybe what you did was
I suppose, what to the bird the wind always has
for, I felt you no matter how far apart you'd gone
and I know that the feelings weren't just mine alone.

Perhaps, “it's best to let him be” was on your mind
because, ‘betrayal’, I’ve always known isn't your kind
and that, perhaps, you had tears running down your lips too
and your heart aches, just like mine when I can't feel you.

Love. It always has been a strange entity, hasn't it?
constructive sometimes and sometimes tears you apart bit by bit.
But, it is the best thing that could happen to to any
You've got to be careful though, it's known to have crushed many.

The heart is a vessel, fill it, break it, it doesn't matter
because, the touch remains, even after the pieces scatter.
and besides “never love” and “don’t deny” are the only choices
it'd only be a fool who would not choose the latter

So, thank you, for all the warm words you shared
and all the time (maybe pretentious but) you cared
because you are the best friend I’ve ever lost
and of all the feelings I feel, “you” are what I’ve felt the most.


But, time changes and I realize it's useless to mourn
and maybe just like you said, “it's time to move on”
so, I write this to say that I won't look back anymore
Because, same thing again and again... makes you a bore
and I will find someone full of love, full of grace
and keep her within my heart, hold her with the warmest embrace
And, that's a promise, and my way to share
that you and your memories can rest in peace for all I care.

Graffiti Art

fake emotions, fake voice
vain fame, wrong choice
stop before it cripples your brain
it only offers solitude, there is no gain

there are words you feel are worth at all
but they're like leaves in a cold fall
they aren't worth anything, they have no sense
as long as you don't will to bring down that fence
fence you've made around your home
a garden with a lucky gnome
a dog which is always awake, the leaves cleared with a rake
take my words, nobody's gonna cross it with everything at stake
it's a dark world, lights indoors
emotions in a jar, lids closed
unless you can undo it, you will not see
what a pleasant world it is to be
and that is the sad part
your walls are painted dark
with graffiti art
and two hearts
miles apart